So I have just over a week left of Grade 11, which is yay, but I have three exams tomorrow, and I really don't want to. Then, I've got the weekend coming up where I haven't got much to do. There's potluck on Saturday and I'm debating whether to go see Tripod or not on Sunday. I never thought I'd be in this dilemma. It was always if Tripod were somewhere in Brisbane, I'd go. And now, I'm not sure. It's free too, but.... who would I go with? Mum and Tegs wouldn't want to go, and I don't know if I could convince anyone else to come. *sigh* Obsession is hard. And lately I haven't even be that Tripod orientated, more DAAS than anything else. Help.

I have to film my music video tomorrow. And I really mean HAVE TO. It's taken so long to get to this point, where I actually have people to act in it. Well, they won't actually act, more shuffle around. But yeah, it just got really frustrating because people were really non-committal, they'd say they'd love to be in it, then 2 days later, say they couldn't. Frustrating! I know that I should realise that people actually lead different lives to mine, that they mightn't have parents who couldn't really care what you get up to, as long as it isn't illegal and that there are "bonding" activities. But...but...but! So, yes. Wish me all the best of luck that nothing fucks up.

I feel like I'm repeatedly walking into a massive brick wall. This wall is exam block. I've got 3 or 4 to go and then I'm in Melbourne. But I have to get through them first and then I have to spend a good portion of my holidays changing my storyboard and filming, for Film/TV. I really just don't want to! I'm so tired and I feel like I can't move. Argh! And I really want to just go out and do something but there is a) nothing to do b) no one to do something with c) no time for me to do something!

HELP!

First week of Year 11 is over. If only a few more were over too. Basically, I'm pretty exhausted and have been every night all week. I think I've had enough school for a while. Especially now that they cram in 7 proper lessons most days as opposed to having a bludgey chapel/form in the place of another lesson.

I'm tired.

I got "The Girl Who Swallowed Bees" finally yesterday. Well worth the wait. I've already picked my favouite page,
"Her heart began to buzz and pulse
"With a beat not all its own
"As a thousand honey'd voices
"Vowed she'd never be alone"
page 25.
But yes, I love it. And I've ben talking about it non-stop. Sorry.
Anyway, look I posted something...

First week of school is over. Only another 7 or so to go...depressing. I'm sooo close to finishing my 1.2m by 1.2m painting! So far it has taken my approximately 9 hours and 6 minutes. I only have to paint a white strip about 20cm wide around some letters. I love painting in white, you can do a really dodgy job and it's almost impossible to tell.
Mum and Dad come back on Tuesday morning. I guess that generally is a good thing, I will no longer have to consider washing and food. Phew. I can't actually remember what happened this week...

I've finally gotten round to taking photos of my numerous paintings and uploading them to my deviantart account. http://boston-moon-gal.deviantart.com/ <<<<<<<<<< go now!

I rode bareback and had some good canters. I dreamt about Boston last night so I thought it might be time to go see him. i couldn't sleep properly last night though. I had to get up and read and listen to music till 11 after going to bed at 9:30. I found a new favourite Scott Edgar and the Universe lyric though!:

"It's all to clear
I'll still be here
I'll still be waiting for you."

Awwww. Sweet. Anyway, must keep uploading pictures!

Final week of holidays. What have I done in the past two weeks of freedom? Painted a tribute to Tripod, fairly shit, but it's nice to have them back on my wall. Read LOTR for English. Piece of crap!! Argh! So long and boring. Become fully obsessed with D.A.A.S, so much so I'm watching D.A.A.S. Kapital while I type this. Mainly with a Mr Richard Fidler...pathetic isn't? I can't help it though! I mean, there's old D.A.A.S. videos on youtube and he's on my radio, at 11am-12pm and then 1-3pm. But yes, still a bit sad.

I'm thinking about buying tickets to go and see Josh Thomas and the Scared Weird Little Guys in August. I'm already going to see John Butler Trio supported by Josh Pyke on the 12th of August. And my birthday is on the 13th :D. August could turn out to be a very exciting month.

I got the Scott Edgar and The Universe's EP on Friday in the mnail. It was such a good feeling seeing my name in Scod's handwriting... just a little fan-girly there. I still think it's cool XD Ah well, a cheap thrill is always good. Like when I saw Ross Noble the other Monday. In interval I put a tiger mask on stage advertising White Water World and many laughs were had out of it. Ross wearing it, realising he should have just come on stage that way for a good laugh, trying to read it then realising he read the VIP card for a porn shop quicker and more easily. :P I participated :D Then it got him onto a story about Steve Erwin which got mentioned in the review of his show in the paper the following day :) Yay for participation!

I think that's about all for my holidays, been shopping a few times and seen a couple of friends over the past few weeks. I really don't want to go back to school.... I want my timetable though. Just to know which days I need to dread and hate for the next 4 or 5 months.

Yes, I finally bought my new ipod. My shuffle died on Wednesday after about 3 years which is pretty good, but now I have a beautiful black video ipod thing. If only I could get some videos on it! My computer won't install the program I need to rip stuff off dvds, so I had to use my sister's laptop and I've only got the first ep of the boosh on there at the moment. But when that thing installs, there will be MANY splendid things on there, muhaha! And I called it, "Raven Spawn" because I was trying to think of some noel/boosh-related name that only OBSESSIVES would get, and I remembered that Noel's and Russell's team on Big Fat Quiz of The Year 2006 was "Raven Spawn" and "Rod's Prodigy" because Jimmy Carr said Noel looked like Rod Stewart had slept with a raven! Thus, Raven Spawn was born and I love it!

So I got back this afternoon. Four hours later than expected.... damn plane, thumping, I spent about 3 hours in Melbourne airport.

I loved Melbourne though! Favourite thing ever from the 5 days I was there....*drum roll* Dracula's Theatre Restaurant!

The new year and this is my first post. I nearly cried early this afternoon, it's silly but now that Jay & The Doctor have been joined by Myf, (I told you it was silly, and it's just going to get worse) I feel so strange. I was looking at the promotional shots and well, I never wanted to see them like that, so commercialised. Other things that have been weighing on me, I looked at the first photo I had with Tripod. It's 18 months old now, but it feels like 30 years, I was so sincere and, I guess, unspoilt. I'm not sure if I was more enjoyable to be around then or now. Tripod-obsessed vs Frenzal-obsessed.

I love Frenzal so much, I really do, but sometimes I wonder if it's doing me any good. I keep dreaming I'm shouting at people, and the thing is, it's normally my Mum, and at the time it feels so good, to just disobey her. But in actual fact, I hate that idea, there's so little to disobey. There's never really been any rules at home, or at least rules that have been mentioned, we're just expected to make the smart choice because my parents believe we are intelligent. They believe we're above the average for our age. Maybe Teagan is, I feel like I'm slowing down, maybe it's the holidays, but I look at the things and people I aspire to be like and it just seems so odd. I'd love to just paint, for the rest of my life, I don't want a career, I don't want to make a difference, I just want to sit out in the old shed in the soft afternoon light, so beautifully yellow, and paint, and think, and dream.

I've done that to often though. Dreaming. I keep fantasising about Jay and me, I think that I'll be fine as long as I don't place us an item, but it never is. I've been doing it for at least 5 days straight now, I'm starting to do it as I wander round the house, and I know it is a steep and slippery slope to torment. But I feel too deep in. The thought of ripping myself out of the world I made is terrifying. In that world I control everything, everyone and I'm safe, but I'm already so bored with it. I want real people, all I have is Jay in the mornings and it's not the same.

I love him, I really do, and that's why it's going to hurt so much. I have to learn, that there is a different between a crush and love. But I feel Jay as a need. Just like Scod. Jay's another man to be in my father replacement motion. I read an article in the paper this weekend saying that teenage girls need their father, but they won't say it. No shit, Sherlock. I need a father, just not mine. He makes me feel so awkward and a little bit queasy. So over and over again I make my own in my head, but they're never real. They're too perfect and they become tiresome quickly but i can't let go, I try desperately to remake the magic but it's never the same as the first.

I know though, that when I can break off the Jay fantasy there's good, plenty of it. I'll still be sexually attracted to him but, it won't go bad. I still am a little attracted to Scod and it's been a whole year since I let my Scod go (he was never a real duplicate of the actual Scod), and I'd be attached to him for 2 or 3 years. I'm going to try to let my Jay go. I must admit I was watching footage of him performing at some festival early today and, well, a nice tingle appeared, and it's been missing for some time. I think I'm ready to say 'goodbye' to him. It doesn't mean I can't think he's one of the sexiest guys on the planet (the voice!).

Anyway, I like guys my own age. But I'm not telling. :P Maybe another day, but I feel so much better for spilling all those things, I can already feel my Jay leaving. He's not even getting a final romp tonight. Arun or James might though ;)

Until my fingers next meet the keyboard,
Maddy

Dorothy gave me a whole heap of her photos the other day. My favourites so far:

Right, obviously there are others but it takes SOOOOOO long to upload!

My parents have been gone for a week and a day now. My sister had her big party on Wednesday night. I had my usual monthly depression that night. I woke up at 2am when they dared Peter to shove his hands down the toilet. Teagan woke then as well. I was awake for a little bit longer before I started listening to Ben Lee's "Birthday Song" and I started crying. Crying and crying. Teagan came in. She lay next to me and stroked my hair, doing what Mum does when I'm upset, just holding me and talking to me quietly. Slav then came by and said "Sorry to interrupt but there's cheesecake.". Slav knew exactly what was going on. But I did go out for the cake, I saw Peter lick his own armpits and Greg remove his pants before I left.
The morning was better for me. Greg and Peter hung around until 2. We had breakfast together, played cards, gone to the shops, made pizza, played more cards and then they left...I did notice though when Slav left he was very gentle about how he said goodbye. I don't know if that's because of his usual nature or if he felt sorry for me about last night and my bout of depression.
But Greg, I found is a lot easier to deal with, when there's limited people. He didn't ignore me that much either, so yeah, it was good. That's what I always wonder about. How Teagan's friends will react to me. It can really drive a person crazy.

Had my guitar lesson today. It was good he smiled alot even though he was having a bad day, yeah, he was trying hard to be the teacher but it was just funny. His eyes always meet mine and then he smiles perfectly... I'm so glad he's my teacher, I don't think I could enjoy guitar without him now.

I bought "Shut Your Mouth" by Frenzal Rhomb today. I love "War" and "Rats In The Wall" ("Everything's Fucked" is awesome today.) Excellent listening.

I saw Lano and Woodley last night! Aww, adorable and hilarious. Frank didn't want to split up:
"Well I know you're gonna go solo....and I'm gonna go solo....I thought maybe we could go solo together"
"No!"

I listened to "Clocks" the first time since Ironbark today. For all the times I hated hearing that song at IB, it makes me miss it so badly right now. Me and Joseph used to trash-talk it; me and most of my friends did. Ripping Vanessa away from the girls' dorm piano, from the one at Kibung. Wishing Paige would stop trying to make a move on Sam Beh while he was playing it... what happened to those long 5 weeks? They were over so fast. Sure, I hated some stuff incredibly, but I loved some stuff too. Like the other night, I dreamt I finally got to hug Mr Morris goodbye! I nearly cried when I woke up, he was so awesome and I never even said goodbye to him! ... it makes my stomach churn with guilt. ='(

I'm back from Ironbark, my birthday has been and gone and soon I'll be going to my first guitar lesson in 5-6 weeks and then it'll be my sister's birthday. It's hard to believe I've been back for a week... I just fell back into my old routine, and Ironbark is just a memory, unfortunately so are some of the people from there. Mr Morris (greatest teacher ever, so caring!), Mr Blank (awesome guy, he teased/insult you, you teased/insulted him back!) and that Joseph. He was so nice to me there, now he just kinda ignores me, I mean, Muffin still talks to me, why won't he?

Well, I really hate starting my entries with "Well", but I can never think of any other way of starting it... Anyway, right, I was actually going to write about stuff that's happened in my life, wasn't I. Right here goes:
I had guitar today, just like any other Saturday. We talked about Superman Returns (he said the old joke of "I can't understand why a grown man would want to wear his underwear on the outside". It's not even that funny! But it was just the way he said it. The way that made me laugh; just a little.), Ironbark and how I have to take my guitar to it and how much I actually enjoy my lessons even though he feels that he could do so much more for me during my lessons.
When I told him how much I looked forward to my lessons each week, the look on his face was so pleasing. He was genuinely happy, and there was a look of pride in his eyes that I put there; just with a few simple statements.
He did continue the Scar song today. He still laughed, but a little less. I was glad to see that his true smile was still there though. I've always had that little obsession with true smiles. They're the ones that span the entire face's width. The ones that make you happy just by looking at them. The ones that can NEVER be faked or pretended. I use to always look for them on Scod's face. I almost got him to smile one the first time we met, when I blushed and couldn't keep my eyes off the floor, the smile started to come out. Maybe it did fully come out, but my memory of that night is badly blurred and, as I said, I looked at the floor, but I did see it emerge, the tiniest spark in his eyes. I'm sure I have a photo of it somewhere.

There we are. Scoddy's true smile. It's even better looking straight-on. But John's is something else. When he smiles it, he shows almost all his top teeth. His nose appears to become lengthier, but not in a way that makes him looks awful. His eyes become alive and they laugh thousands of laughs all at once. The intensity only lasts for that split second when he looks up from his guitar and our eyes meet. Then it disintegrates but I can recall the image of it so easily. And when I see the image in my mind's eye, I feel my feelings all over again. The unbelievable happiness that it brings out of me, knowing that he doesn't despise me, he can be happy when I'm there. I know thinking the opposite of those things is just more proof of my poor self-esteem but when that's all you've ever known, it's hard to see that it can easily be wrong.
So there we are, a small portion of the mega-events that happened only today, maybe I'll write some more tomorrow, but no promises...

Today, he decided to teach me Scar by Missy Higgins. He tried the melody and it was the crappest melody ever! It was so twee. We thought it was hilarious and burst out laughing, he kept playing it and we kept laughing! He then thought it was so funny that he turned the amp up so the guy working the desk (the nice one called Matt) could hear! Then when he tried to return to seriousness he spoke with a deeper voice then usual ;) He might not have meant to, but there was NO missing it.
But yeah, that was all I wanted to say. It was just one of those awesome moments. Very enjoyable by all means.

I had my guitar lesson today, 3rd last one before Ironbark... I know I'll miss my teacher, not in that sick way where I think he's hot, no, he's no longer hot in my mind (okay, I lie, he is still hot in mind, I'm just not in love with him :P There is a difference.) Today's lesson was one of those special ones. He is even more friendly and we end up laughing together. Today, well actually i have to go to dinner, but i will finish this entry!